While there are plenty of articles around Dating Advice For Guys on tips to build your conversation game, we haven’t had one around the mechanics of conversation and having better 1 on 1 conversations with girls.
That is, your posture, the tone of your speech and what to do with your hands. Below is a random hodgepodge of tips that you can incorporate into your pickup game today!
I’ve compiled some bullet points that I personally believe are really valuable – they’re not all specifically about speaking – if you agree with these then that’s great and if not then drop a comment and I’ll try to reply.
- If it’s you opening the interaction, do not appear apologetic (this is especially true for men approaching women at a bar). Most men focus overmuch on not being shy or on seeming confident but can sometimes veer into excited waffling, or excusing themselves or, worse, over-qualifying the reason they initiated the conversation and trying to compensate by doing it in a manly voice with a disinterested expression and their legs spread out so wide it looks like they’re doing yoga.
- You’re opener should be context specific, I can’t really give an example here but whilst you shouldn’t be fawning or overly-polite you should aim for civility or for playful banter/flirting. When she’s speaking to you don’t nod your head like a dog at everything she says.
- If you happen to be holding something, like a drink, hold it at your waist and not up to your chest – this is a psychological indicator of tension and a physical barrier. Also, god forbid, if there is a straw in there, take it out immediately.
- Stand still; stationary but not stiff, loose but not slouching – I’ve seen men burning more calories because they were jumping around excitedly whilst talking to a hot girl than I’ve managed to burn off myself at the gym. Seriously it’s really annoying, makes you look nervous and just rips you open for people wanting to muscle in on the interaction and tool you.
- Maintain intense eye contact when she’s speaking, glancing away occasionally so that you don’t end up staring. When you’re speaking punctuate it with sweeping gazes around the room or the area you’re in. Remember better 1 on 1 conversations with girls is as much about nonverbal cues as it is about verbal ones.
- Mind your facial expressions whilst she’s speaking – you don’t want to be broadly smiling like a simple asshole and you don’t want to be crushing your brow with intensity as she tells you what her favorite brand of shampoo is. Slight smile, brow slightly furrowed/raised depending on what she’s saying, slow nods or ‘mmms’ to acknowledge that you’re listening.
- Actually listen to what she’s saying! Most guys (and girls) can’t wait to blurt out their response and hear themselves talk. Look and act genuinely interested and follow up with additional questions about what she said.
- Speak slowly and in a deep voice. This is absolutely critical and something you might just have to monitor yourself for over your next few interactions.
- Talking of speech and facial expressions; make sure you transition slowly from expression to expression as well. It can seem incongruent with the rest of your demeanor if you’re face looks ‘set’ and not relaxed or you’re contorting it too quickly.
- When discussing interests if she happens to mention an activity that you too enjoy, like say “I enjoy writing fiction and really want to create my own novel one day.” Don’t just jump in and be like “No way! Me too!” just make a mental note and tie it into how you’re developing yourself later on. Don’t just constantly affirm what she says, flirting/seduction isn’t a box ticking exercise or a constant path of affirmation.
- It’s fine to give small compliments to her but don’t overdo it and keep it simple yet poignant, never don’t double-down on it if she seems to gloss over it it, IE, You: that’s a cool necklace / Her: Thanks / You: Where did you get it?
- Do not under any circumstances, no matter how busy the environment you are in, keep diverting your attention from her to other things and other people. Maintain ‘circle’ with her and don’t let anyone interrupt, just because someone wants to come and stand near you doesn’t mean they’ve got a right to your attention and you shouldn’t be shifting about trying to get out of everyone else’s way (if you’re somewhere busy) and if you can’t manage that then suggest moving – which you totally should do anyway because to lead her is a very powerful tool in seduction.
“Keep your eyes on her at all times – this isn’t a staring contest, but by diverting your eyesight elsewhere, you are communicating disinterest”
- Once you’ve established familiarity with her you should start asking more probing questions, without putting her on the spot, so things like “What are your passions?” or questions about travel, favorite novels, people she finds inspiring etc – those should all be cool for most people. You might know this as “deep diving” and it’s super effective for building a quick rapport with someone.
- If all is going well from the above then you definitely should escalate constantly: A. Let’s grab another drink B. Let’s go sit over here out of the way C. I know another bar we can go to where you get more space D. Why don’t you come back to mine? It’s only down the road and my puppy would love to meet you.
- The key with escalation is to make it a natural segue rather than a constant agitation for her time. Don’t suggest mid-drink, whilst your both having a nice time, that she come back to yours when your done – wait until you’re both finished, it seems a more natural transition that way and she’s got less time to ponder about how much of a good idea it is.
- Hand gestures are a powerful tool to build your presence. Utilize a point, a touch on her arm to drive a point home, or a sweeping hand motion to get her following and involved in the story. Don’t overdo it, but utilizing your hands during conversation will keep them out of your pockets and you looking confident.
That’s all we have for today! Let us know what you think – and if it’s helped you have better 1 on 1 conversations with girls by dropping a comment below!